Words Matter: A Guide for Supporting Those in Grief

Words Matter: A Guide for Supporting Those in Grief

A lot of “What ifs” run through the minds of those facing sudden loss. The stages of grief, which include denial, bargaining, anger, guilt, sadness and acceptance, will all come, but after a traumatic loss it may be a more complicated grief and a more lengthy process of grieving. We hope that this guide can help guide your conversations and interactions with those close to you who have suffered from loss. 

For those who are grieving, it is important to talk about your feelings with people you trust and you know care for you. Talk about your loved one; it is all right. If you feel alone and are unable to find people who you think will listen, then seek a grief support group or find an individual therapist.

Patricia Peters Martin, Ph.D.

Even though you may feel you don’t know what to say, it is better to reach out in some way than to do nothing. Please do not say, “I know how you feel,” as this is hurtful to many family members because unless you have been through a similar type of experience of murder of a loved one, then you do not know how they feel. I have had many grieving people express anger and frustration at such a comment. It is better to say something like, “I cannot imagine what this must be like for you, but I want to express my sincere sympathy.” Try to connect with the grieving party as time passes. Many people are there in the first month, but then the grieving often feel forgotten after three to six months or a year have passed. Also be sensitive to the fact that grief can take years. Do not put pressure on people to “get on with their lives.” It can take several years after sudden loss to feel the patterns of one’s life beginning to return.

How much is it okay to talk about a loved one? I believe it is important to talk, talk, talk. Love never dies and the memories are kept alive by sharing stories and thoughts of our loved one. Some people hesitate to talk because they do not want to cry, but I believe those tears are the expression of the deep love you feel for your loved one and are a necessary part of the grieving process. So talk on and let yourself cry; it will help in the long run as you go through the grief process.

What helps with younger family members, friends? Do not forget to have children share their feelings and thoughts about a loved one who has died. There are many children’s books dedicated to the topic of death and loss. You can plant a rose bush or flowering shrub in honor of a loved one with children. They will enjoy the blossoming each year which will remind them of their loved one. If you feel they are showing signs of unresolved grief then be sure to get them professional counseling assistance.

Kaitlin K. Welsh, M.Ed., RN, CCLS

Language Matters When Talking About Death

• Address the 3 Cs. Children often worry about three things after a death: the cause ("Did I do something to cause this?"), contagion ("Can this happen to me?"), and care ("Who will take care of me?"). Reassure them that they did not cause the death, that they are safe, and that trusted adults will continue to care for them. Provide examples of ways that they are kept safe (seatbelts, knowing how to call for help, etc). 

• Be mindful of religious explanations. Unless a family has expressed that these beliefs are meaningful and comforting to them, avoid phrases such as "They're in a better place," "God needed them more than we do," or "Everything happens for a reason." While well-intentioned, these statements may not provide comfort and can sometimes cause additional distress.

• Recognize what children need after a loss. Children often process grief differently than adults. They may need information in small, manageable doses, opportunities for play and normal activities, quiet time, and repeated conversations as they continue to understand and process what has happened.

• Avoid comparing losses or suggesting you know how someone feels. Every loss is unique. Even when experiences seem similar, comparisons can feel invalidating to the grieving person. Statements such as "I know exactly how you feel" may unintentionally minimize their individual experience.

• Avoid statements that begin with "At least..." Comments such as "At least they lived a long life" or "At least he wasn't an only child" attempt to find a positive angle but can diminish the significance of the person's grief and loss.

• Avoid focusing on how unimaginable the situation is. Statements such as "I can't imagine what you're going through" or "This is so awful" are often intended to express sympathy. However, the griever also did not expect to be in these circumstances. These sentiments may unintentionally emphasize the overwhelming nature of the loss rather than offering support and comfort.

• Do not judge the circumstances surrounding a death. Avoid sharing opinions or making critical comments about the deceased or the circumstances of their death. Compassion and support are more helpful than judgment. For example, “That was so selfish of him,” in the case of an OD or suicide. When discussing suicide, use person-centered language such as "died by suicide" rather than "committed suicide."

• Take the responsibility off the griever. Statements such as "Let me know if you need anything" can place an additional burden on someone who is grieving. Instead, offer concrete assistance, such as delivering a meal, helping with errands, or providing childcare, while allowing the person to decline if needed. 

• Avoid making assumptions about the deceased or the grieving person's relationship with them. Comments such as "Your mother would want you to be happy" may be intended to comfort but can feel invalidating depending on the individual's relationship, circumstances, or beliefs.

• Respect privacy and personal boundaries. The details surrounding a death, family dynamics, finances, or other personal matters are not owed to anyone. If a grieving person wishes to share details, they will do so in their own time.

• Keep your message simple and sincere. A thoughtful statement such as "I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking of you, and there is no pressure to respond" can be deeply meaningful. If you do not know what to say, it is okay to say that.
  

Sophie Pariseau

• It's okay not to know what to say. If you're unsure of the right words, be honest. A simple "I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you" can be far more meaningful than saying nothing at all.

• Avoid reassuring someone that a loss was not their fault unless they have expressed those feelings. Comments such as "It's not your fault" or "Don't blame yourself" may unintentionally introduce guilt or self-blame that the grieving person was not experiencing.

• Avoid commenting on how much time has passed since the loss. Grief does not follow a timeline. Statements that suggest someone should be feeling differently because of the amount of time that has passed can feel dismissive of their experience. Additionally, the grieving person may not have been focused on how much time has gone by, and bringing attention to it can be an unwelcome reminder of their loss.

• Don't treat someone differently because they are grieving. Continue to be yourself. While grief changes many aspects of life, most people do not want to be defined solely by their loss. Familiarity, normalcy, and genuine connection can be comforting.

• Reach out on ordinary days, not just anniversaries and birthdays. A simple text, call, or message to let someone know you're thinking of them can mean a great deal. What may seem like an ordinary day to you could be an especially difficult one for someone navigating grief.

• Be thoughtful when sharing your own experiences with loss. While intended to show empathy, comparing experiences can sometimes feel dismissive. Every loss is unique, and a grieving person may need space for their own story before hearing about someone else's.

• Supporting someone through grief is a learning process. You will not always say the perfect thing, and that's okay. Give yourself permission to learn, grow, and show up with compassion. Your presence often matters more than finding the right words.
  

Christy Heiskala, C.A.

When someone you love loses someone, you may feel nervous about saying the wrong thing. That is completely understandable. But silence can feel lonely to someone who is grieving. You do not need perfect words. What matters most is empathy, validation, and presence. Grief is not something to fix. It is something to witness with care.

What to Say

• Simple, honest words are often the most supportive:
• “I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you.”
• “I can’t imagine how hard this is.”
• “I’m here to listen or just sit in silence.”
• “You don’t have to talk or text me back. Just know I am thinking of you.”
• “My heart goes out to you and your family.”
• “I loved [Name], and I will always remember when…”
• Sharing a specific memory can be a beautiful gift. Many grieving people long to hear their loved one’s name.
• “I am so sorry for your loss.” 
• Although you can genuinely mean this, it can be tricky because they will hear this over and over and can feel awkward for them. It’s better if it is part of a longer sentence than a stand alone response that can seem robotic.
• In a text, you can add: “No need to respond right now.”
• This removes pressure and lets them receive your care without having to manage your feelings.

Offer Specific Help

• Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try offering something clear:
• “I am bringing dinner on Tuesday.”
• “I can have groceries delivered this weekend.”
• “I can sit with you, or I can just drop something off.”
• “What tasks can I take off your to-do list?”
• Offer pet care, child care, lawn care, transportation, make arrangements.
• Specific offers reduce the burden on the grieving person. Refrain from overwhelming them with too many questions or options, two max.

Reminders They May Need to Hear

• There is no timeline for grief.
• You are allowed to grieve at your own pace.
• It is okay if today is hard.
• Difficult days do not mean you are moving backwards.
• Your grief is valid, whatever it looks like today.
• You do not need to hide your grief to make others comfortable.
• You are allowed to feel sorrow and still have moments of joy.
• Rest is productive when you are grieving.
• You are allowed to set boundaries.
• Grief is not meant to be carried alone.

What Not to Say

• Even well-meaning words can sometimes minimize pain. Try to avoid:
• “At least…”
• “They are in a better place.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “It was God’s plan.”
• “I know exactly how you feel.” Refrain from sharing your own loss for another time.
• “You need to be strong.”
• “Don’t cry.”
• “You should be over this by now.”
• “You poor thing.”
• These phrases can feel rushed, dismissive, or judgmental.
• Reframe “How are you?” to “How are you managing right now?”

The Most Loving Thing You Can Do

• Be present.
• Let them cry. Let them be quiet. Let them repeat the story. Let them feel what they feel.
• You do not have to take away their pain to be supportive.
• Your steady, compassionate presence can help them feel less alone.
• Don’t be afraid to talk about their loved one or say their name.
• Reach out monthly. A lot of people tend to reach out in the immediate aftermath but then move on or wait for the person who is grieving to communicate. Even if they do not return your message, know that it is meaningful, they just might not have the capacity to respond at the time.